How To Become a Jehovah’s Witnesses

There are ways to get accepted into Jehovah’s Witnesses. Here is the basic list:

• Talk to the Jehovah’s Witnesses
• Show an interest in their literature
• Accept a home Bible Study
• Continue to welcome JWs in to your home
• Show improvement and accept books and literature
• Begin dressing up and attending weekly meetings.
• Talk to other JWs and show you’re interested in everything the religion has to offer.
• Begin sticking up for JWs and then tell another JW about it.
• Wash and vacuum your car more often.
• Clean your house more often. Show you are clean and tidy. This will impress them if they stop in.
• Begin raising your hand at the Watchtower study at the Kingdom Halls, and take the microphone and answer a few questions when possible. Answers are easy and are contained right in the article with no trickery.
• Underline articles with highlighter so your neighbor in the seat next to you sees you’re really putting in the effort. It doesn’t matter what you underline, as long as your page showcases a yellow or pink highlighter, visible from a few seats down.
• Nod in agreement often during talks.
• Begin to give small amounts of money.
• Begin to invite brothers and sisters for cookies, tea, and talk about Armageddon.
• Begin to offer a bit more money. But not too much. They’ll become suspicious.
• Stop any and all association with outsiders and just focus on JWs. Ignore friends if they call and continue highlighting magazines.
• Burn anything in your closet that may be too tight.
• Start going out door knocking. Have a nice book bag and be sure your shoes are fit for walking. Bring food to show you plan to door knock for several hours.
• Smile often. Compliment elders on their well prepared talks and excellent hand gestures, even if they are not excellent and look forced and fake.
• Become immersed in any literature printed by the Watchtower book publishing company.
• Continue door knocking until you’re exhausted. Drink coffee to stay awake. Memorize scriptures that support JW doctrine so you have a fast defense if someone says you’re in a cult. Reemphasize you have “free choice to leave”. Smile while you’re saying it. Do not look them in the eye. They might be possessed by the devil.
• Begin preaching on Facebook.
• Tell everyone on the planet about JW.org
• Throw out any food that looks like it could be eaten during a holiday.
• Throw out your Christmas towels and thanksgiving napkins.
• Take down your flag.
• Throw out all Christmas lights, and your Christmas tree.
• Ban children’s birthday cupcakes, lest they possess your children with demons.
• Stop watching political channels, R-rated movies, and crime dramas.
• Throw out your rock and roll music.
• Throw out anything you have in your attic with a cross on it, lest they think you worship Jesus.
• Begin calling your mother in law less, unless she shows interest in bible study.
• Quit drinking so much. Never do shots prior to a meeting. If you slip and do a shot, chew several pieces of gum in the Kingdom Hall.
• Quit smoking. Quit anything that isn’t prescribed by your doctor.
• Drive slower.
• Take fewer naps and preach more about your new life and the new silver modern bible you now have.
• Ladies: Burn any 2-piece bathing suits, skirts above the knee, platform sexy shoes, spandex workout clothes, and leggings. Toss out all red lipstick, lest you be branded a harlot. Buy knee length skirts and baggy pants, lest you appear to be trying to attract secret lovers or make people sin mentally.
• Gentlemen: Burn any speedos, tight fitting pants, workout clothes, or jeans.
• Sell your sports car. Buy something different that several people can sit in.
• Burn any books, movies or games that may invite evil or ghosts, such as Harry Potter or Disney movies (Aladdin, Snow White, or anything else which Watchtower says has satanic undertones).
• Stop inviting your neighbors for BBQs, but instead, invite other JWs.
• Express a desire to be baptized so you can dedicate your life to the organization.
• Tell your doctor you will die before taking a blood transfusion. Quote a few scriptures as your reason.
• Have your kids tell their friends they’ll die before taking a blood transfusion. Make them memorize the same scriptures you memorized.
• Begin using the word “Christendom”. Scare people politely by warning them their religions are influenced by Satan.
• Get baptized and bring a towel. Leave the convention or assembly hall, telling everyone you’re officially a Jehovahcs Witness. Celebrate on Facebook and be exhilerated at all the likes by other JWs.
• Plan to double your door knocking. No one likes a slacker.
• Preach to anyone that will listen.
• Shout something about “Jehovah” on Facebook, using exclamation points. Gain more likes.
• You are now a Jehovah’s Witness. Avoid anyone who used to be one. If they begin speaking, ignore them. Walk by them and do not acknowledge them. Tell a brother you did this for bonus points.
• Do not tell anyone if you speak directly to Jesus or worship Him, or you will be disfellowshipped.
• Do not look into any literature prior to the month and day you joined, lest you be surprised by earlier teachings, now changed, which may cause you to question.
• Stay off anything other than JW.org or JW YouTube convention talks.
• Continue to avoid being disfellowshipped, so that you can keep your new friends and family.

How to Increase Your Rank in Jehovah’s Witnesses:

• Attend ministry school. Do not worry. This doesn’t offer any certificate or diploma. It is free.
• Mark down obscene amount of preaching hours on a time slip
• Compliment anyone in a higher rank than yours.
• Preach more.
• Give talks which display your extensive knowledge of paradise earth possibilities.
• Obtain several bible studies.
• Show interest in passing the microphone during meetings and volunteering extra time.
• Preach more.
• Counsel someone who isn’t a JW, and then tell an elder about it.
• Preach more.
• Defend several of the Watchtower’s errors from the past, to anyone who speaks against JWs.

Now that you’ve learned how to become a Jehovah’s Witness, you’ll need to learn how to quickly get disfellowshipped, in case you need an emergency blood transfusion in which you prefer to save your life.

Need to learn how to get disfellowshipped? Go here.